First, I removed all "traditional" carols from consideration (Silent Night, Joy to the World, Deck the Halls, etc.) simply because we all know these songs too well. We've heard them so many times it's like they're part of our DNA, and using them would have made the game much too easy. However, when going through my iTunes I saw that I have a pretty good variety in my holiday music collection that could make the game really challenging, especially if I included parodies. However, there are just so many of those that it's impossible to know them all; to be fair, I took them out. Removing the parodies got rid of every Bob Rivers song I have (which is a ton), and then I said no to songs in any language other than English. I have a bunch of those too, but I didn't think it'd be fair for folks who don't speak another language, like French, Spanish or Latin.
That still left about 50 songs I could use, comprising a good mix of well-known and lesser-known tunes. I decided to cap it at 30, a nice round number that also allowed me to double-post on some days, and have the whole game wrapped up and the Ultimate Prize Package sent out to the winner *before* Christmas Day. Thing is, during the selection process I noticed a large percentage of these songs seemed incredibly sad. That was odd, so I looked into it further, especially after friends that were playing the game commented on the high number of depressing lyrics. That's not actually the case when you look at my entire collection, but after chopping out so many for this game I was left with a lot of sad stuff. Out of the songs chosen, I found there are four basic types: Political, Snarky, Scary or Sad.
The political ones are really obvious, and include Do They Know Its Christmas, by the 80s supergroup-for-charity Band Aid, and Happy Xmas (War is Over) from John Lennon and Yoko Ono. These deliberate attempts to shame the public about society's misdeeds in the hope that we'll change can be particularly annoying. Giving to charities is an integral part of the holiday season, but these are pop-music guilt trips. (Like we didn't already know that both the third world and war totally suck?) Finger-wagging, even with good intentions, is still finger-wagging. Sheez.
The snarky songs are a lot more light-hearted but also twisted; they're funny *and* disturbing. Take a look at these examples: I'm Gettin Nuttin for Christmas has a completely unrepentant child gleefully listing all the bad things he's done, and then tipping off a burglar to rob his own house for a cut of the profits. There is also Green Chri$tma$, the story of a Madison Avenue Scrooge but *without* the happy ending. That's right, *this* Scrooge does not see the error in his ways, and Bob Cratchit is shunned for being so old school. Then there's that bastion of all that is unholy, South Park, where no topic is left unscathed. Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, Merry F*king Christmas, Christmastime in Hell… even Dreidel Dreidel Dreidel has Cartman saying Jews are lame.
Now here's where it starts getting really interesting. Scary holiday tunes detail incredibly upsetting scenarios that *could* be real. Weird Al Yankovic is especially good at this, and both of his two Christmas tunes made the list. Christmas at Ground Zero describes an atomic war breaking out on Christmas Eve, while The Night Santa Went Crazy has a drunken Santa shooting up his workshop. Real cheerful, huh. The love-it-or-hate-it Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer sees a treasured family member become the victim of a hit-and-run driver. The Kinks' song Father Xmas is especially upsetting simply because it has a completely believable storyline: a guy dressed as Santa for a job gets mugged by poor kids who have no use for impractical things such as toys. Wow. The first time I heard it I thought, this is much too real. Another song in that vein is Blink-182's I Won't Be Home For Christmas, where a guy gets so disgusted at holiday gatherings that he pulls out a baseball bat and ends up in jail. Then there is John Denver's Please Daddy (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas), which has a kid pleading with his father to avoid alcohol over the holidays because he doesn't want to see his mother cry…. *again*. Daaaaaaaammmmnn. Even Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer gets bullied and shamed by his peers, and all under the gaze of an equally unpleasant Santa. This guy (it's SANTA for crying out loud!) actually *joins* in the shunning of Rudolph, until his abnormality is suddenly useful. What an opportunistic jerk! But the modern era does not hold the monopoly on upsetting imagery, oh no. Take Coventry Carol, a song from the 16th century (!) that focuses on the biblical account of King Herod who, seeing Jesus as a threat, issues a decree that *all* male infants shall be killed. Geez! This is a really good reminder that the story of Christ's birth (all by itself!) has a big, steamy helping of pathos.
The rest of the songs fall under the sad category, and almost all of them deal with separation or being alone/single over the holidays. A few choice examples: Bing Crosby's classic I'll Be Home For Christmas (but only in his dreams), Dean Martin's The Christmas Blues, the Carpenters' Merry Christmas Darling, Michael Bolton's Our Love is Like a Holiday, Barry Manilow's I Guess There Ain't No Santa Claus, Nick Lowe's Christmas At The Airport (a guy stuck at a deserted airport in a snowstorm finds a meal from the trash can?!?), Britney Spears' My Only Wish, John Denver's Christmas for Cowboys (alone on the plains with only a sleeping bag and campfire), even Elvis Presley will have a Blue Christmas without you. Why would I have so many of these depressing holiday tunes? Well, it's really not that hard to understand …most of my life has been spent alone.
I've had very few long-term relationships, and until recently most of my holidays were spent by myself or with a cat. Even as a child I was alone a lot. I was the shy, quiet, unpopular kid that got bullied in school, and excluded at home because I was the youngest of four and thus too small to do a lot of things. I got used to my own company at a *very* early age. Nowadays I look at my friends and in-laws in awestruck wonder: they have no idea how good they have it. They've been surrounded by supportive friends and family their entire lives, never having experienced the kind of isolation I did. But that's not always a bad thing. The loneliness and solitude of the single life can get to you sometimes, but it also makes you a lot more self-reliant. I knew a girl that hated not being in a relationship, absolutely *hated* it. I once asked her why she was so adamant about finding a boyfriend and she practically screamed at me: "So I won't be alone!" I just stared at her, completely dumbfounded. This kind of dependence on others was completely foreign to me. It does, however, make you appreciate the camaraderie and togetherness when you do have it.
Sounds depressing, right? Exactly, and one of the best kinds of therapy for depression is finding out you're not the only one feeling that way. Plus, despite what some may think, singing the blues can actually alleviate them, so listening to something as simple as a sad, scary, or snarky Christmas song is a whole lot cheaper than therapy. Feliz Navidad!